Discussing Finances in a Relationship

Many couples struggle, fight, and even divorce over money issues.

After the honeymoon period, some couples begin to have escalating conflicts regarding finances, debt, investment, or spending or they stop talking to each other altogether about money to avoid the conflicts.

If things don’t get better, some people feel like they made the wrong choice of mate, blame each other for their problems, and even think about breaking up.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Approaching Conversations About Money

Disagreements about money are not just about numbers. Money has emotional meanings for you and your partner because they originate in your financial ancestry. This affects how you feel about financial chores and determines your financial goals.

Below are general guidelines and questions for dealing with differences and conflicts around money. You can examine your own, and your partner’s, financial ancestry, attitudes toward financial chores, and financial goals. After that, you can learn to adapt and compromise.

These conversations don’t happen naturally. They require scheduling to discuss, ask questions and make decisions.  As is true of any well functioning  organization, it’s leaders  schedule regular meetings to discuss short term and long term goals, plans and strategies. A well functioning relationship operates in the same way. 

Below are five tactics to help you navigate financial conversations with your partner.

1. Set up limits of spending without having to consult a partner

This will vary according to each couple. Define much each partner can spend on anything without having to consult the other and stick to it.

2. Discuss how disagreements will be handled

There are consensus, turf, and veto techniques available to handle disagreements. Each has its advantages depending on the circumstance. Consensus takes more time; turf is faster but requires skills in giving up control; veto power is very helpful in some contentious situations such as big purchases, home remodeling and where to move.

3. Discuss your financial ancestry

Ask each other the following questions:

1. What are your earliest memories about money?
2. What is your most painful money memory?
3. What is your  most joyful money memory?
4. How did your parents handle conflict about money?
5. Where there secrets about money?
6. What three things did you learn from your parents about money?
7. What did you learn about money given your gender?
8. Where the career expectations for you any different from your siblings given your gender?
9. What are you willing to do differently about money now that you are partnered with someone who has a different financial ancestry background?

4. Discuss current financial chores

Here are some questions to guide this conversation:

1. Who pays the bills and how was this decided?
2. How does each partner feel about their financial contributions to the budget? (This is particularly important if there are large discrepancies)
3. Are the accounts separate or joint? How was this decided?
4. Are there disagreements about financial chores? How are these disagreements handled?
5. For whom does the current financial chore arrangement work best? Who struggles with the current financial chore arrangement and how are those struggles handled?
6. Are there any gender related expectations regarding the financial chores?

5. Talk about financial goals

Here are some suggested questions to guide the conversation:

1. What are your financial goals of the next 5 years?
2. What is your greatest financial fear?
3. What are your beliefs about current or future affluence and how do they impact your daily life?
4. If you are planning on having children, who will be the primary caretaker and how will this impact income?

Here is what some of my clients have said as a result of these guided “money talks” I encourage them to have.

•  “I never knew this about her, now I understand!”.
•  “Our money talks were really helpful to start acting like a team”.
• “I didn’t even know how much he makes”. 
• “I realized I was unknowingly following my mothers’ scripts”.
• “I didn’t realize I had those beliefs and where they came from”.

What’s Next?

• Download a free relationship success handbook for more exercises and conversation starters
• Read more about couples counseling
• Do a Relationship Check Up alone or with your partner